No worries!

There's a bit of a story behind how I've gotten here, a story involving a month of weird work schedules, resulting anxiety, and hurting my back at work (which forced me to take a few days off). But I've come to the conclusion that worrying is a big issue for me. So I've decided to take the month of February to try to take Jesus' words about "not worrying about tomorrow" a little more literally than I normally do.

This encompasses three things for me. First, I am going to try not to worry and obsess about future things that may or may not happen- whether or not I'll get enough shifts at work, whether people will like me or approve of what I do, etc. Of course I'm going to screw this up- worrying comes naturally to me- but I think it would be good to at least be aware of when I'm worrying and what I'm worrying about. So many of the things we worry about never happen- and even if they do, we always get by. Life goes on. God keeps working in and through our situations. Of course this doesn't mean not planning for the future, but simply not getting all worked up over it.

Second, I'm going to take some time off wondering where my life is headed (a habit of mine since I left youth ministry). Of course it is good to dream, to have goals and direction, etc. But I think sometimes we fixate on our dreams and goals to the point where we can't enjoy the moment. We let our plans and hopes rob us of the present. And so I'm not going to worry about where my life is going or where I'll be in a year, or five years. Truth is, no matter how much I plan, things probably won't go how I expect anyways. So I'm going to let go of my expectations for myself and my life.

Third, I'm going to be more intentional about living in the moment and enjoying it. I'm going to try to stop and smell the flowers, so to speak. I'm going to believe that today is important, and that I won't get it back, thus I'm going to try to enjoy it and be thankful for the small gifts.

Of course I'm going to screw this up. But that's okay too! Pray for me, will you?


"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."- Jesus

A post on Batman... and heroes and villains... and CHOICE!!

Almost exactly four years ago I watched a movie that completely messed with my head.

Don't get me wrong, The Dark Knight was incredibly well done. It was fast-paced and deep and thrilling; there was lots to rave about. But nothing could have prepared me for the utter twistedness of the Joker. And the story of Harvey Dent was equally as disturbing to me. Dent was, in fact, the personification of a deep-seated fear of mine- the fear that one day something terrible might happen to me that I wouldn't be able to cope with, and that I'd end up becoming a bad person as a result. (I wrote a lengthy post about this whole thing a few days after it happened, if you want to read it, it's over here: http://www.facebook.com/notes/mary-powell-walz/batman-motorcycles-and-fear/26177087201).

Fast forward four years. I've seen The Dark Knight Rises twice now, and love the movie to death.  And so last night, I decided it would be good to revisit The Dark Knight as I felt like there were pieces of the story missing in my memory. So after work I sat down and watched it.

And it was interesting to see how my perspective has changed in four years.

The Joker was as cringe-worthy as ever. I was still creeped out by him. But I found myself looking at Dent's story in the context of the movie, of the series, and coming to some very different conclusions. "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain," Dent said at one point in the movie, and this was my fear summed up. This time around though, I realized something.

Dent was wrong.

Because yes, he did become the villain. The Joker messed with him, and he cracked and turned evil. But there were so many others in the story who did not. The passengers on the two ferries that The Joker was going to blow up. Rachel Dawes. Jim Gordon. And, of course, Bruce Wayne.

When Rachel died, Bruce and Harvey both lost someone they loved. The Joker messed with both men equally, it seems, and one chose to become part of the problem, the other to become part of the solution. Bruce chose to keep fighting against evil, and, as Batman, to sacrifice his own reputation for the cause. He could have become like Dent, but he chose the higher road.

 

It all comes down to a choice. 

When you stop and think about it, movie heroes and villains are often quite similar. Both sets of people are usually quite passionate, have a strong sense of justice, and some definite goals. Both also tend to be wounded. If you stop and think about it, most heroes have something broken in their past that has pushed them towards heroism... just as most villains have something tragic in their past that has pushed them towards villainy. One group takes their anger and pain and allows it to consume them, to make them evil, the other allows their anger and pain to push them towards stopping evil.

It's all very interesting. And I find myself thinking about how all this might be relevant in our own lives.

Last week I wrote a post about how this world contains both beauty and brokenness, and how difficult it can be to live in such a world. And I'm not about to claim that I've figured it out within a week (though some of you left some good comments on my post). But I have realized this:

Every day, we can choose to be agents of beauty or agents of brokenness. We can be part of the problem or part of the solution, we can take one step closer towards heroism or villainy.

 

It's our choice. 

Sometimes choosing rightly is easier said than done. There are forces in our lives that would cause us to want to choose wrongly- past experiences, flawed mindsets, emotional issues, addictions- and these forces can be strong. And so we must give ourselves- and others- lots of grace. We will screw up, but we can learn. And we must also remember that we have the power and grace of One far stronger than us backing us up, that we are never alone in our pain. Sometimes choosing rightly must begin something seemingly insignificant- a feeble prayer for strength, a decision to get help, a confession that we have a problem.

But we always have the choice to take a step towards heroism, no matter how small that step may be.

The fact that God has given us the ability to choose this is both terrifying and liberating. Yes, there is the fear that we might choose wrongly. And yet, it is freeing to know that I can choose not to become like Harvey Dent, no matter what life throws at me. The Joker says that madness is one small push away, but he does not have the final word. Today, probably many times over, I can choose light over darkness, I can choose to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem.

I pray that God would grant me- and all of us- the grace, strength, and courage to choose well.

Living in this Dark and Beautiful World

Sometimes life's happenings make me wax philosophical.

This time around, it was a combination of several things, one being something very large (that is, the shooting in Aurora), and another being something fairly small (having my computer get a terrible virus, almost getting scammed in the process, and having to reinstall everything!), as well as some others which I will not get into.  Regardless of how it happened, today I find myself trying to figure out just how one is supposed to live in this world.

When I look around, it is easy to see so much pain, so much darkness. I think of the shooting. I think of the girl in my youth group who just lost her mom to cancer. I think of the family I know whose relative was the victim of an absolutely horrific crime, and of the person I know who has committed a crime that I have yet to be able to wrap my mind around. I think of the friend of mine whose marriage is on the rocks, and of the loved one who has been injured in a way that makes normal existence difficult. I think of several friends of mine who have survived abusive situations, both in childhood and marriage. I see pain.

and yet...

And yet every day I see beauty. I see sunrises and thunderstorms. I hear laughter and engage in ridiculous, fun conversations on facebook and eat incredible food. I see God working in and through the pain of the people I love. I hear epic stories and listen to music that makes me want to burst and watch movies that inspire me. I spend an evening with the man I love or an afternoon drinking tea with a friend. I feel... love. Loved.

There is great darkness in the world... and yet, also, great beauty.

My faith helps me understand this paradox to some degree. If I am to look at this life as, as John Eldredge puts it, a "batlle for the heart", with both God and the devil working through events to either draw us to God or push us away from him, then these things make some sense. I find comfort in believing that there is a grand scheme, a greater story.

And yet I still struggle with knowing how to live in such a world. Be as wise as serpents and innocent as doves, Jesus once said. But what does that look like? Children are wild and free and fearless and fierce, and this is beautiful and I want to be these things. And yet, most children are this way because of their naivete.

How can one be soft in a world that loves to remind you, over and over, just how cruel it can be? And how can one be hardened in a world brimming with beauty and life?

How does one trust others when humanity can be so dark? Or should one trust them at all? Is it best to live in cynicism, believing that everyone is out to get us, and thus never truly letting people close? Or should we instead let everyone in, and thus open ourselves up to heartache and betrayal, over and over?

How does one stay open to the glorious beauty of this life while also acknowledging its deep, dark pain?

Thoughts, anyone?

Things I am learning (in no particular order)

The best gift you can give a loved one is to let them be themselves, to stop trying to mould them into your image of what you think a friend, spouse, sibling, etc should be.

Life can be busy. Sometimes we don’t have time to stop and smell the roses. So when you do find yourself in possession of some free time, be intentional about slowing down.

Everything is ten times better when you’re listening to good music. Especially the instrumental stuff.

I crave freedom desperately. But I don’t think I fully understand what freedom is.

There’s a time to be fully present and aware of everything around you, and there’s a time to dream and create and write and philosophize, to become so wrapped up in your thoughts that you forget the present. Both are good, in their proper place.

Take care of your heart.

Enjoy life and don’t take things for granted. Everything can change in a second.

Take time to wander. It’s good for you

When dealing with pain and difficulty in life, you need a combination of both softness and toughness. You need to be soft enough to let yourself grieve, to ask for help when needed, to allow yourself to still love people and enjoy life throughout it. But you need to be tough enough to accept the fact that life sucks sometimes, to believe that your pain may make you stronger in the end, and to keep yourself from falling into despair.

The ocean is absolutely amazing and I am privileged to live close to it.

Give thanks.

Risk taking and adventure are good. Travel, go bungy jumping, climb mountains, and make new friends. But understand that none of these things will make you permanently happy.

Accomplishing things is good. But there’s a time to rest as well. You don’t have to ALWAYS be productive.

The world is full of magic and wonder and beauty. But you have to keep your eyes open for it.

Heroes and villains both wears masks, thus it’s easy to forget their humanity. When we cast someone in our minds as a hero or a villain, we dehumanize them, making them incapable of either evil or good. In reality, humans are all both good and evil, beautiful and broken. Don’t expect anything else from people.

A good children’s fantasy novel is good for the soul. Narnia does it for me.

Sometimes knowing when to give up and say “that’s enough, I need a break” takes more strength than pressing on.

If you have it in your head that you have to be in control to be happy, you’ll spend your life miserable. You can control some things, but not all. You could die at any second. Best to accept this.

When it comes to emotional healing, we want quick fixes. We want to say, “I had problem_____, and then I (got prayer, went to counselling, etc) and now I’m great.” But it doesn’t usually work that way. Emotional wounds, like their physical counterparts, take time to heal. And that’s okay.

Life is not an equation to be solved. It’s a dance, a symphony, a work of art. Treat it as such.

On James Cameron movies and being a freedom fighter

So the other day I watched Titanic (in 3D!) with my sister. It’s been years since I’ve watched it, and it was rather odd watching Jack and Rose’s romance unfold, all the while feeling sort of like I’m watching some high school chick flick. When I was 14, Jack and Rose were definitely adults, and of course, Leonardo DiCaprio was the hottest thing alive. At 29, they kind of look (and act) like kids. Not really, but sort of. And if I were to decide to drool over Leo in Titanic at this point in my life, I would certainly feel like a bit of a creeper.

But anywho...

One part of the movie that I definitely appreciated more as an adult than as a teen was the concept of Rose’s being trapped by her society and her obligations, and how Jack comes along and frees her from it all, if just for a few days. Half my life ago I don’t think I really knew what it felt like to be trapped by other people’s expectations, at this point in my life I certainly do. (Now one could argue that Jack’s brand of “freedom” is not the healthiest out there, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here.)

Later on I was mentally comparing the movie to another James Cameron epic, Avatar, and I realized that the two movies have that theme in common. Both are a love story, but also a story in which one character frees the other from something. In Avatar, Neytiri frees Jake from the cynicism that he’s had to develop living on Earth; she shows him to really live again.

And I found myself thinking about how many movies have this theme, where a character- often a free-spirited, rule-breaking character- comes along and frees another character or group from some sort of tyranny. I think of The Matrix, and Chocolat, and even Aladdin. I’ve even written stories of my own with that sort of theme; my short story The Piper is all about a character who comes along and frees a few others. And, of course, The Piper is an allegory of the story of Jesus Christ, who rebelled against the expectations of the religious people of his day, and whose mission was to set people free- not just from sin, but also from legalism and guilt and drudgery.

But in all this, I found myself asking a very interesting question of myself: Am I the sort of person who sets others free? Or am I one to imprison others?

I’ve recently been realizing the danger of putting unhealthy expectations on others. Of course there are some expectations that are good and necessary- I expect my friends not to blab my secrets, I expect my husband to stay faithful and to do his part in our marriage, I expect my bosses to treat their employees fairly. When I have kids I’ll expect them to listen to their parents and learn kindness and fairness. But then there are the other sorts of expectations, where we try to create another in our image, try to get them to fit the mold of what we think a friend or spouse or child should be. We decide that our friends should be more spiritual, or our spouse should have better manners or want to spend more time with us, or that our kids should be interested in the hobbies we had at their age. And so we push them to be what we want them to be, to fit the image we’ve created for them.

And in doing this, we are not setting them free. We are imprisoning them.

What if I were to completely release others to be themselves? What if I were to let others grow at their own pace, allow them to come to terms with life in the way that they will, instead of trying to get them to be what I think they should be? What if I could be one of those characters in the drama of life who comes along and frees another character, instead of shackling them with my expectations? What if I were to trust God with those around me, instead of trying to change them myself?

What if I were to stop fighting for control of others, and start fighting for their freedom?

I think that doing this might be a very good thing indeed.

What do you think?

Words Matter: Victim or Survivor?

Sometime in the last few months I realized one of the most destructive mental habits of mine- seeing myself as a “victim”.

I’m not sure when this started, but I do know it’s been around for a long time. In fact, when I was a kid and I’d make up characters, the ones whom I liked the best were usually weak, sick or disabled. When Dave and I started dating, he once told me that “my favourite word is ‘can’t’”, that I tend to focus on what I cannot do (and assume that I cannot do lots of things) rather than what I can do. For years, I think, I’ve seen myself as a weakling, as a delicate little flower that needed taking care of; I’ve believed there is “something wrong with me”.

And I’m starting to realize just how detrimental this type of thinking has been.

I’ve had enough things to feel victimized about happen in my life. We all have, really. I came into this world a tiny, delicate preemie who needed an incubator to survive. My prematurity caused visual impairment that, while not severe enough to be considered a disability, has certainly affected my life. As a child I was bullied, and I struggled with poor social skills. As a teen I never fit in with my peers. At church and in Christian culture, I was exposed to some bad stuff- I had my hopes for health and prosperity raised up and then dashed, I was bombarded with legalistic rules and expectations by well meaning people. In fact, some have pointed at some of the things I experienced in church and cried, “spiritual abuse!” My twenties have been marked by excessive and destructive feelings of guilt, insecurity, and self-hatred (all of which was exacerbated by the victim mentality, of course).

So yeah, I have a few reasons to feel like a victim.

But I’m beginning to realize how much language matters, and how much the way you see yourself affects the way you live. I am beginning to see that naming myself as a weak victim will get me nowhere.

So let’s change our wording. What if I am not a victim, but a survivor?

In that case, I would say that I survived a harrowing premature birth, and I am surviving my visual impairment. I survived bullying and social ineptitude, spiritual issues, self-hatred a guilt. I am a survivor of all these things. Heck, I’ve survived a lot!

Sounds a little different, doesn’t it?

And I know many, many friends who have survived much worse things than me. I have friends who have survived abuse, addictions, divorce, injuries, miscarriages, eating disorders, suicide attempts. Really, we are all survivors of something.

What is the difference between the two terms? It’s their implications. If I am a victim, this implies that I am weak and helpless, I am a slave to my circumstance, that there is no hope for recovery. If I am a survivor, though, it means that yes, I have been through something tough, but I am getting better. I have made it through, I am becoming stronger, and I will heal. There is hope. I can move forward.

If I am a victim, then next time something bad happens to me, I can add it to the list of other crimes that have taken place against me, and wallow in the misery of my victimized life. But if I am a survivor and something bad happens to me, I can remind myself of how many other things I have survived- surely I can survive another!

Now one thing that I must clarify- being a survivor does not mean having an “I can do it all on my own” mindset. Sometimes in order to best survive we must seek help from others. Last fall I decided to go to counselling, and it was one of the best choices that I’ve made- in fact, it helped me come to this victim vs. survivor realization. We need other humans, we need God’s strength, and sometimes we need to ask for help. But it is possible to ask for help and acknowledge our pain without mentally becoming a victim.

And of course, this mentality shift won't solve all your problems. But it just might help.

But anywho… take the thing in your life that has hurt you the most, the thing that has made you feel most like a victim. Then hold your head high, and say it out loud.

I am not a ____________ victim. I am a ______________ survivor.

Remember Who You Are

You are a child of the king, a prince or princess awaiting your inheritance. Your king is fighting for you and empowering you. You have a part to play in the Grand Adventure. Your words and actions have more power than you know. You have the ability to speak words of encouragement and life. You do not need to live in fear; what you do is important. It is not up to you to change people, but God may work through you to bring about change. He calls you up to be a part of what he has been doing since the creation of the world, to play a role in the redemption story. You do not need to live in fear or discouragement. Yes you will fall, but falling implies learning not failure. You are not a failure, you are not insignificant. You may not immediately see the effect that you have on the world, but if you are following God, you will leave a mark.

Your position as a child of God is not something to be used as a mark of entitlement, demanding that God give you what you “deserve”. You have not earned God’s grace, he has chosen to extend his grace to you. You are beautiful- created in the image of God, made because he wanted you to exist. And yet you are broken. And yet… you are being put back together, a work of art that is being restored. Be patient, it takes time. Your true colours shine through more with each passing day.

So do not live in entitlement, but neither live in fear. You do not know the future, but you do know who holds the future. Bad things may come your way, but God is able to redeem those things, and the difficulties you face can make you stronger if you let them. Live free and fearless, embrace whatever God brings to you. He is telling a story through your life, a good story, and all you need to do is trust and cooperate with him. Let him change you, restore you. Walk with your head high, knowing that you are becoming stronger; yet at the same time be willing to bow before him, acknowledging that your strength comes from him.

There is more to you than you know. You are courage and strength emerging, beauty being unveiled, a lion or lioness awaking. Trust your king as he works in and through you. Stand tall, live without shame. You are beautiful and strong.

Remember who you are.


This post has been brought to you in part by The Lion King. Long story.