Words Matter: Victim or Survivor?

Sometime in the last few months I realized one of the most destructive mental habits of mine- seeing myself as a “victim”.

I’m not sure when this started, but I do know it’s been around for a long time. In fact, when I was a kid and I’d make up characters, the ones whom I liked the best were usually weak, sick or disabled. When Dave and I started dating, he once told me that “my favourite word is ‘can’t’”, that I tend to focus on what I cannot do (and assume that I cannot do lots of things) rather than what I can do. For years, I think, I’ve seen myself as a weakling, as a delicate little flower that needed taking care of; I’ve believed there is “something wrong with me”.

And I’m starting to realize just how detrimental this type of thinking has been.

I’ve had enough things to feel victimized about happen in my life. We all have, really. I came into this world a tiny, delicate preemie who needed an incubator to survive. My prematurity caused visual impairment that, while not severe enough to be considered a disability, has certainly affected my life. As a child I was bullied, and I struggled with poor social skills. As a teen I never fit in with my peers. At church and in Christian culture, I was exposed to some bad stuff- I had my hopes for health and prosperity raised up and then dashed, I was bombarded with legalistic rules and expectations by well meaning people. In fact, some have pointed at some of the things I experienced in church and cried, “spiritual abuse!” My twenties have been marked by excessive and destructive feelings of guilt, insecurity, and self-hatred (all of which was exacerbated by the victim mentality, of course).

So yeah, I have a few reasons to feel like a victim.

But I’m beginning to realize how much language matters, and how much the way you see yourself affects the way you live. I am beginning to see that naming myself as a weak victim will get me nowhere.

So let’s change our wording. What if I am not a victim, but a survivor?

In that case, I would say that I survived a harrowing premature birth, and I am surviving my visual impairment. I survived bullying and social ineptitude, spiritual issues, self-hatred a guilt. I am a survivor of all these things. Heck, I’ve survived a lot!

Sounds a little different, doesn’t it?

And I know many, many friends who have survived much worse things than me. I have friends who have survived abuse, addictions, divorce, injuries, miscarriages, eating disorders, suicide attempts. Really, we are all survivors of something.

What is the difference between the two terms? It’s their implications. If I am a victim, this implies that I am weak and helpless, I am a slave to my circumstance, that there is no hope for recovery. If I am a survivor, though, it means that yes, I have been through something tough, but I am getting better. I have made it through, I am becoming stronger, and I will heal. There is hope. I can move forward.

If I am a victim, then next time something bad happens to me, I can add it to the list of other crimes that have taken place against me, and wallow in the misery of my victimized life. But if I am a survivor and something bad happens to me, I can remind myself of how many other things I have survived- surely I can survive another!

Now one thing that I must clarify- being a survivor does not mean having an “I can do it all on my own” mindset. Sometimes in order to best survive we must seek help from others. Last fall I decided to go to counselling, and it was one of the best choices that I’ve made- in fact, it helped me come to this victim vs. survivor realization. We need other humans, we need God’s strength, and sometimes we need to ask for help. But it is possible to ask for help and acknowledge our pain without mentally becoming a victim.

And of course, this mentality shift won't solve all your problems. But it just might help.

But anywho… take the thing in your life that has hurt you the most, the thing that has made you feel most like a victim. Then hold your head high, and say it out loud.

I am not a ____________ victim. I am a ______________ survivor.