Following Jesus and Ulterior Motives

One of my favourite chapters in The Beautiful Outlaw is the one where John Eldredge talks about Jesus’ “trueness”. Basically he says that Jesus was free from the opinions of others, free to fully “be himself” without the usual social inhibitions. He contrasts that to humans in general, and how tied up we are in what others think of us.

I know without question that this is true of me; I care WAY too much about what people think of me. Even though I’ve never been a total conformist, I still want people to like me, and like most other people, I can be a chameleon.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how much “what others think” have influenced my walk with God. See, reading this book has totally blown my perceptions of Jesus out of the water, and suddenly I find myself wanting to read the stories of Jesus, and wanting to talk to other people about what I am learning about him. And I am finding myself amazed at how different those desires are at this point in my life compared to when I was a bit younger.

See, in my teens I “got into Jesus” partly because I loved him, yes. But being a “Jesus Freak” had perks. It gave me a group of friends who thought similarly to me, it gave me community, a place to belong, and a cause to be passionate about. It sounds terrible, but I find myself thinking that maybe I got into Jesus for the same reasons that other teens get into drugs, or music, or a particular sport- it gave me a community and a purpose. Not that community and purpose are bad- they’re far from it- but I find myself feeling like these ulterior motives in my relationship with God superseded the genuine love I had for him simply because of who he is for a very long time.

As a “Jesus Freak” in my teens, there were rules. You read the Bible and prayed, you told other people about your faith, you went to youth conferences, you spent your free time in church. You kept away from things like “questionable” movies and mainstream music and “immodest” clothing and many other things. I followed the rules because I wanted to be a good Christian, and because I wanted to be accepted among my peers, I think. I walked like all the other Jesus Freaks, because that’s what we did. I was part of the Jesus Freak Clique.

Then I hit my twenties, and things fell apart. My friends began to see things differently from one another, I began to question a lot of my assumptions, and I was confused as anything. For the next several years, my faith began to grow and become more based on genuine love for God, but there was certainly still a need to impress others with it. I would embrace a particular form of Christianity because, in my mind, doing so made me more acceptable to my friends, or possibly more likeable to whatever guy I was into at the time.

Once I settled down in Victoria, I found myself in a spiritual patchwork quilt- many different friends who got along, yet whose experiences of God, theological ideas, and ways of connecting with Him were totally diverse. Of course this was good for me as it forced me to figure out how Mary follows Jesus (as opposed to the next person), but nonetheless I experienced years of frustration, feelings of distance from God, and questioning.

I think I probably still care too much about what others think of my friendship with Jesus. But perhaps I am learning to care more about what Jesus thinks of my friendship with Jesus, lol. I certainly feel like I am getting the hang of understanding who He is, what kind of man walked the earth 2000 years ago. And in the process I am “falling in love” all over again. When I find myself wanting to read the Bible or tell people what I am learning, it is no longer motivated by pressure, by a feeling of “that’s what a good Christian is supposed to do”; instead it’s motivated (I think) by genuine enthusiasm about who Jesus is. And it is NICE to feel at least somewhat freed from those obligations.

So why do you follow Jesus? Is the way that walk based on true understanding of him, or are you doing the things you do because that’s how other Christians are doing them, because doing so will earn you brownie points in the Christian culture? It’s a question worth asking.

Dear teenage self...

I had a crazy "epiphany moment" today- a milestone that for many would seem insignificant, but for me is huge.

As anyone who knows me knows, I have struggled greatly with unnecessary feelings of guilt and condemnation, particularly in the last 8 years or so. One of the biggest accusations that has come at my mind again and again is, "if the teenage version of you could see what you've become, she'd think you were a huge backslider."

And there's certainly some truth to that. After all, in my teen years I was into a rather legalistic form of Christianity, whose version of holiness was avoiding everything "worldly" and spending all my time doing church activities. And now? I watch movies. I listen to mainstream music. Sometimes I use words that would get bleeped out on the radio. I drink alcohol in moderation. I wear spaghetti-strap tank tops and two-piece swimsuits. There are certainly still things I keep away from, but at this point in my life, I tend to base the idea of holiness on attitudes and motivations- I am more concerned if I am being selfish or unkind or arrogant than if I say a four letter word or watch a "questionable" movie. But despite the fact that I believe my actions are justifiable, I have struggled with a fair bit of inappropriate guilt over them, mainly because I am not the person that I thought I would be when I was younger.

So today I stumbled across an old journal that I wrote in back at the end of 2003, which was when all these feelings of guilt started up. I read through the confusion of coming back from discipleship school and hearing different friends go on at me about their pet issues, being confused by their conflicting opinions, and about the immense shame I felt in those days over a few choices that, while unwise, were probably not blatantly sinful. It was a very rough time for me, and I was VERY hard on myself in those days- much more so than I am now. Given my past expereinces and the company I kept, my mindset was understandable, but... still...

And as I read those entries, that familiar thought came back to me: You are not what your younger self wanted you to be. If your teenage self could see you now, she would think you were such a backslider.

And for the first time in my life, I was able to look that thought "in the eye" and say this: You know what? You're right, she would. But maybe my teenage self didn't know what she was talking about.

Yes, my morals in the "grey areas" may not be as stringent as they were in my younger years. But I have certainly grown. My current self is much better at trusting God than my teenage self was. My current self better understands Jesus, knows his heart better than my teenage self did, and probably loves him more, too. And I hope that my current self is more caring, more compassionate, and less selfish than my teenage self. I'm not sure, but I can hope...

So, teenage Mary, thank you for your input, for all your years of condemning words. You have been heard. But guess what? You are wrong. I am not a backslider. I am growing in God, and even though I did not end up where you thought I would, God is bringing good out of my life. I may not have changed the world, but I have made an impact in small ways. I may not keep to your strict moral code of holiness, but I try to listen to God and live my life according to what he tells me. Yes, I have sunk to some lows that you would not have anticipated, but God will bring good from everything that has happened to me. I am not backsliding, I am moving forward. The walk is painful at times, joyful at others. Sometimes I trip, I fall; other times I crawl forward, other times I dance. It is a journey. But I am moving forward with Jesus. And Jesus accepts- and treasures- me right where I am at. Where I am right now is beatiful because I am in the process of becoming more like Jesus.

Oh, and teenage Mary, I forgive you for thinking such judgmental thoughts about me. I can't blame you. You're still young, and you have yet to understand the complexity of following Jesus in this beautiful and broken world. One day, you'll understand...

You are forgiven. But nonetheless, you are wrong about me.

That is all.

Just a thought...

When Jesus walked the earth, the people whom he clashed with the most were the religious leaders of his day, because they'd taken God's law (which was meant to allow us to come close to him) and turned it into a dogmatic, legalistic religious system. They were known for making mountains out of molehills, looking down on people, and insisting on outward piety while ignoring heart issues.

Then Jesus left, and his followers, over time, took his teachings and turned them into a dogmatic, legalistic religious system. Today, many people look at the church as a group of people who make mountains out of molehills, look down on people, and insist on outward piety while ignoring heart issues. Of course this is not true of every Christian out there, but nonetheless, this is the reputation that the church has in the world today.

Will we ever learn?

Beautiful Outlaw

I am currently in the middle of reading a book by John Eldredge called "The Beautiful Outlaw", and it is blowing my mind.

The book is about the human personality of Jesus, and Eldredge brings out characteristics in Christ that a lot of people wouldn't think of. It's funny, we don't think about Jesus' human personality much; we figure his personality would be "loving" and "joyful"... but really, what do those words mean? They are quite vague. But Eldredge uses words and phrases like "playful", "generous", "cunning", "fierce intention", "scandalous freedom", and "disruptive honesty" to characterize Jesus.

Unfortunately, Christianity has sort of turned Jesus into this mystical, baritone-voiced figure who does NOT come across as playful or cunning or scandalous; but really, if you read the Bible without any of that "religious background", you can see it. Jesus walking on water? Randomly showing up in places after the resurrection? Maybe he was being playful, having some fun with his friends. All the times when the Pharisees try to question him, and he ends up turning it around and stumping them? Definitely cunning. And touching lepers and hangng out with prostitutes and turning water into wine using ceremonial washing jars was pretty scandalous in those days. (Another author, Bruxy Cavey, compared that incident to Jesus walking into a modern church, turning the water in the baptismal tank into wine, and inviting the neighbourhood in for a party!)

These concepts are totally blowing my mind, making me love Jesus all the more. And I am wondering, why don't we talk about these things more? I was in church last Sunday and we were singing our worship songs, and I realized that pretty much all the songs were about the "transcendant" aspects of God- his glory and majesty and greatness and all that. And of course those aspects are true- God is both transcendant and imminent- but nonetheless, we seem to worship God more for his "transcendant" qualities then the fact that he is Emmanuel, God come close to us. And really, for me, words like glory and majesty are hard to picture, hard to grasp. But words like playfulness and cunning and kindness and freedom are much easier for me as a human to understand. And the fact that God would not only become a man, but would choose to reveal himself as a man who was an outlaw, who was playful and fierce, cunning and gentle, honest and generous, humble and scandalous- well, to me, that speaks volumes to me about the kind of God we serve. For me personally, those things say a lot more about the kind of God he is than words like glory and majesty do. Maybe that's part of why God became a man- so we little humans could better understand the kind of God he is.

Once again, don't get me wrong- we need to understand the bigness of God, the power that he possesses. We need to be aware of how great he is- but we also need to be aware- and love- his more "human" characteristics. When you realize that the God of all heaven chose to reveal himself to humanity as a beautiful outlaw... well, how could you not love a God like that??

What is "God's will"?

Okay, so I've been thinking about the question I posed last night on here a fair bit, and I've come to some conclusions about what I think on the matter... however there are a few things I am still quite uncertain about.

So, without further ado...

First of all, I believe that there is a God, that He made us, and that yes, there is a "larger story" going on- a story about the redemption of humanity and God's pursuit of the human heart.

I also believe in free will. I believe that people have the ability to choose how they will live, be it for better or worse. I believe that sometime God does intervene, and that He is capable of redeeming our mistakes, but that often He allows things to play out naturally- people reap the consequences of their actions. I believe that it is our choice whether we participate in the "larger story", and if so, how we go about it.

Thirdly, I believe that God knows what is best for our lives and that He wants us to follow Him...

...but this is where things get a little muddy for me.

Here's the thing. I am beginning to realize what a fatalistic (I think that's the right word) approach I've taken to life over the years. I am beginning to realize that I have the ability to choose how I live, that I can choose to react certain ways or not react those ways, that I can embrace negative mindsets or do what I can to stop them. It may seem weird to you that it would take a person nearly 29 years to figure this out, but I think some of it has to do with my religious upbringing.

I think that one of the ideas that I have heard put forth in my years goes something like this: God has a plan for your life, and as long as you remain surrendered to His will, His plan will all work out. Perhaps this comes from attending a church that tended to "over-spiritualize" things when I was younger, perhaps it comes from my Christian school... who knows?

Now I am not about to argue that God does not call us to do things sometimes. The Bible tells story after story where God asks someone to do something, and they either do or do not cooperate with Him. I also fully agree with the concept that if God truly is asking you to do something, you should, in fact, do it.

But.

I find myself wondering if God has a "will" regarding every single thing that happens in our lives. Does God have a grand, over-arching plan for each of our lives that will only pan out if we do every tiny little thing according to this plan? Or is it a bit more complex (or, perhaps, more simple) than that? I find it amusing, as do most of us, when people ask God what cereal they should eat for breakfast and what route they should take to work. But beyond that, does God actually have a cut-and-dried answer for every situation that arises in our lives? Or might there be some times when He leaves the choice in our hands?

I'll give you an example. When I was 23, I worked at our church for a summer as the church intern. At the end of the summer, my senior pastor offered me the position of the youth coordinator, as they had no one to replace me. I was planning on going back to college.

Now, honestly, I don't recall feeling a strong push in one direction or the other. In the end, I stayed because I was needed, and I'd really grown to like the youth group over the summer. I don't know that God said to me, "you need to stay here, and to go back to Bible college would be the wrong decision." I think if I'd gone back, that would have panned out as well. Of course my life would look far different now- I might not live in Victoria, I almost certainly would have not married Dave, my job situation might be different. But would that have been okay? Most likely.

I wonder if we do ourselves a disservice when we suppose that God has an opinion on our every move in life. Certainly He has an opinion on some things, and it's wise to seek Him on the matters in our lives, but at the same time, He gave us brains for a reason, right? I wonder if we ever approach God, asking Him whether or not we should buy this, or do that, and He responds with something like, "sheesh, kid, can't you make your own decisions sometimes?" I wonder if God sometimes allows- or even encourages- us to choose the path that seems the wisest to us, to "choose our own adventure" if you like, rather than dictating to us what every move should be?

Furthermore, I think that if we imagine that God has an opinion on our every move, we can end up fretting about our choices. I mean, what if it WAS God's will for me to go back to Bible college? If it was, wouldn't it stand to reason that every choice I've made as a result to stay here- from the place I live to the man I married to the friends I've had to the teens whom I've gotten close to- is wrong? And, if that were the case, wouldn't that also mean that a) there is someone else out there who is supposed to be doing my job who got shafted because I am doing it, b) my youth have been shafted for the last 5 years because they had the wrong youth coordinator, c) there's some guy out there who I was supposed to marry who got shafted because I am married to Dave (and same with some girl out there for him), d) someone else who was supposed to live in this basement suite got shafted because we're still here... you get the point. It gets ridiculous.

It's a tricky one. Certainly there are some things that God is pretty cut-and-dried on, and we want to be seeking God's will in our lives. But we might also want to reason that there are times when God essentially says, "it's your call, kid," and allows us to use the brains He has given us and live with the consequences of our choices, be they good or bad.

Thoughts???

Loaded question of the day

Are the concepts that:

a) we are born into a larger story with roles to fulfill, "callings", or even "destinies" which play into the grand story of life,

and

b) we are free to choose how we live and must make wise and responsible choices, that we have the power to determine how our lives play out,

mutually exclusive? Or is it possible for both of these concepts to be true?

And if so, how?

It seems that the human soul (or mind, if you'd like) craves both the idea of having a purpose and destiny in this world, and the idea of having freedom and empowerment.

Are both possible? Or is it one or the other?

Your thoughts???

Shut up and listen!

Last Christmas my husband Dave and I went for dinner with Dave's boss and his wife. Dave's boss, who is in his early fifties, started telling me stories about growing up in a Baptist pastor's home, and filled me in on the many things that he was not allowed to do as a PK. Among the prohibitions, if I remember correctly, were going to the movies, dancing, and listening to rock music. At one point I asked him, out of curousity, if he was allowed to go trick-or-treating at Halloween, and I was quite surprised to hear him say yes!

See, in my home growing up, movies, dancing, and rock music were all allowed, but trick-or-treating was verboten, as was anything to do with witches, ghosts, or anything remotely "spooky". My parents even went as far as pulling me from a local daycare as a small child when they found out that the daycare was teaching me songs about a ghost in the closet! Also forbidden in my family was "potty talk". It wasn't just the four-letter words that weren't allowed; my sisters and I were not allowed to say words like "pee", "poo", and "fart" as children. (Having said all this, my parents have relaxed considerably in both these areas and I know they were just doing what they thought was best. Still, it's sort of amusing to poke fun at my own upbringing from time to time...)

It's interesting to me how, just as families have their taboos, various church denominations seem to have almost cultural taboos on certain "grey areas". Baptists don't dance, charismatics don't trick-or-treat, Mennonites don't go to war, Adventists don't eat meat or drink alcohol, and Catholics don't use birth control. Of course those are generalizations, but you get the idea. None of these activities are blatantly prohibited in the Bible, yet it seems that each denimination has its own speicifc list of do's and dont's.

Even more interesting to me are the churches that claim to be "anti-religious", but that simply take away all the "old" rules and replace them with new ones. I can think of three influential Christian leaders who would all consider themselves to be against religion. In their churches, people could likely get away with things condemned by the old-school Christians- drinking, smoking, secular music, coming to church in grubby clothes, etc- yet one of these men wrote a book that asserts that true Christians must be pacifists, another said in his book that Christians must be involved in social justice and willing to live in voluntary poverty, and the third is known to preach extreme ideas about gender roles from the pulpit!

It seems like most Christians acribe to one list of rules or another, and, though most Christians are gracious enough to allow for differences, I feel that it is rather common for each one to believe that their list is the best one, that their set of convictions and freedoms is the one that is most in line with what is God's ideal for society at large.

And then, of course, there are the Christians who feel the need to force their views on various grey areas on everyone around them. I know I've met plenty of these Christians in my day, and have fallen victim to their tirades every now and then. In my almost 29 years, I have heard preachers demonize Time magazine, heard a guy in my youth group refer to a friend of mine as "Jezebel" because she was dating one of his friends, had a youth leader lay into my youth group for their music choices, had a friend tell me Jesus was not happy with me because I watched The Matrix, had another friend state that Mary Poppins is witchcraft (yup, you read that right), and had someone who goes to my current church lecture me for reading Twilight. All of these people were well-meaning, yet some of these incidents were extremely hurtful to me. My guess is that I am not the only one who has been hurt by another Christian who feels the need to tell them what they should believe in a grey area. It's extremely common.

The solution to all this seems fairly simple to me. As Christians, we all have the ability to communicate with God and to receive guidance from Him on the various issues that arise in our lives. So I would think that when a grey area arises, the first thing we should do is ask God what He wants us to do in that area. In this, we also must remember that what God asks us to do in an area of our life when we are 15 may not be the same as what He asks of us when we are 30. When I was a teen I used to not listen to mainstream music, now I have no problem with it for the most part. It would be easy for me to either say that I was wrong then or am wrong now, but perhaps what is okay for me now would have hurt me in a different season of my life.

The second thing we must do is dismiss any notion we have that says that all other Christians must adhere to what we feel God has asked of us within these "grey areas". Each one of us is a unique reflection of God's nature, thus we will all be given different passions and strengths, and God may ask one person to abstain from a certain thing while allowing it for another. A Biblical example of this is the contrasts between John the Baptist and Jesus. John was very removed from society; he lived an ascetic life and was considered very strange. Jesus engaged culture a little more; in fact He went to parties and turned water into wine, and was considered strange for very different reasons than His cousin! Was Jesus right, and John wrong? Of course not! John was doing what God had called him to do, even though his way of life looked very different from that of Jesus.

Similarly each of us will be asked to follow God uniquely. I may feel that it is acceptable for me to drink alcohol; you may choose to abstain. This doesn't make me right and you wrong, or vice versa. You may be extremely passionate about taking care of the poor in the inner city, or leading worship, or ending sex slavery in foreign countries. If I am not also passionate about those things it does not mean I am necessarily in the wrong; rather, perhaps I am simply passionate about something different, like youth ministry!

Dialogue about these things is good. Talking to one another about our passions may raise awareness and bring out the passions in others. Talking about our own convictions and freedoms will cause us to think more critically about why we do what we do. However, there is certainly a time to shut up and listen- to stop forcing our opinions and beliefs on those around us, and listen to what God wants from us- and then, ultimately, to do whatever we do out of love for Him.

Of course, that's just my opinion.

The generic welcoming first post!

Hey all, welcome to my blog. Hope you like it!