Dear teenage self...

I had a crazy "epiphany moment" today- a milestone that for many would seem insignificant, but for me is huge.

As anyone who knows me knows, I have struggled greatly with unnecessary feelings of guilt and condemnation, particularly in the last 8 years or so. One of the biggest accusations that has come at my mind again and again is, "if the teenage version of you could see what you've become, she'd think you were a huge backslider."

And there's certainly some truth to that. After all, in my teen years I was into a rather legalistic form of Christianity, whose version of holiness was avoiding everything "worldly" and spending all my time doing church activities. And now? I watch movies. I listen to mainstream music. Sometimes I use words that would get bleeped out on the radio. I drink alcohol in moderation. I wear spaghetti-strap tank tops and two-piece swimsuits. There are certainly still things I keep away from, but at this point in my life, I tend to base the idea of holiness on attitudes and motivations- I am more concerned if I am being selfish or unkind or arrogant than if I say a four letter word or watch a "questionable" movie. But despite the fact that I believe my actions are justifiable, I have struggled with a fair bit of inappropriate guilt over them, mainly because I am not the person that I thought I would be when I was younger.

So today I stumbled across an old journal that I wrote in back at the end of 2003, which was when all these feelings of guilt started up. I read through the confusion of coming back from discipleship school and hearing different friends go on at me about their pet issues, being confused by their conflicting opinions, and about the immense shame I felt in those days over a few choices that, while unwise, were probably not blatantly sinful. It was a very rough time for me, and I was VERY hard on myself in those days- much more so than I am now. Given my past expereinces and the company I kept, my mindset was understandable, but... still...

And as I read those entries, that familiar thought came back to me: You are not what your younger self wanted you to be. If your teenage self could see you now, she would think you were such a backslider.

And for the first time in my life, I was able to look that thought "in the eye" and say this: You know what? You're right, she would. But maybe my teenage self didn't know what she was talking about.

Yes, my morals in the "grey areas" may not be as stringent as they were in my younger years. But I have certainly grown. My current self is much better at trusting God than my teenage self was. My current self better understands Jesus, knows his heart better than my teenage self did, and probably loves him more, too. And I hope that my current self is more caring, more compassionate, and less selfish than my teenage self. I'm not sure, but I can hope...

So, teenage Mary, thank you for your input, for all your years of condemning words. You have been heard. But guess what? You are wrong. I am not a backslider. I am growing in God, and even though I did not end up where you thought I would, God is bringing good out of my life. I may not have changed the world, but I have made an impact in small ways. I may not keep to your strict moral code of holiness, but I try to listen to God and live my life according to what he tells me. Yes, I have sunk to some lows that you would not have anticipated, but God will bring good from everything that has happened to me. I am not backsliding, I am moving forward. The walk is painful at times, joyful at others. Sometimes I trip, I fall; other times I crawl forward, other times I dance. It is a journey. But I am moving forward with Jesus. And Jesus accepts- and treasures- me right where I am at. Where I am right now is beatiful because I am in the process of becoming more like Jesus.

Oh, and teenage Mary, I forgive you for thinking such judgmental thoughts about me. I can't blame you. You're still young, and you have yet to understand the complexity of following Jesus in this beautiful and broken world. One day, you'll understand...

You are forgiven. But nonetheless, you are wrong about me.

That is all.