One of my favourite chapters in The Beautiful Outlaw is the one where John Eldredge talks about Jesus’ “trueness”. Basically he says that Jesus was free from the opinions of others, free to fully “be himself” without the usual social inhibitions. He contrasts that to humans in general, and how tied up we are in what others think of us.
I know without question that this is true of me; I care WAY too much about what people think of me. Even though I’ve never been a total conformist, I still want people to like me, and like most other people, I can be a chameleon.
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how much “what others think” have influenced my walk with God. See, reading this book has totally blown my perceptions of Jesus out of the water, and suddenly I find myself wanting to read the stories of Jesus, and wanting to talk to other people about what I am learning about him. And I am finding myself amazed at how different those desires are at this point in my life compared to when I was a bit younger.
See, in my teens I “got into Jesus” partly because I loved him, yes. But being a “Jesus Freak” had perks. It gave me a group of friends who thought similarly to me, it gave me community, a place to belong, and a cause to be passionate about. It sounds terrible, but I find myself thinking that maybe I got into Jesus for the same reasons that other teens get into drugs, or music, or a particular sport- it gave me a community and a purpose. Not that community and purpose are bad- they’re far from it- but I find myself feeling like these ulterior motives in my relationship with God superseded the genuine love I had for him simply because of who he is for a very long time.
As a “Jesus Freak” in my teens, there were rules. You read the Bible and prayed, you told other people about your faith, you went to youth conferences, you spent your free time in church. You kept away from things like “questionable” movies and mainstream music and “immodest” clothing and many other things. I followed the rules because I wanted to be a good Christian, and because I wanted to be accepted among my peers, I think. I walked like all the other Jesus Freaks, because that’s what we did. I was part of the Jesus Freak Clique.
Then I hit my twenties, and things fell apart. My friends began to see things differently from one another, I began to question a lot of my assumptions, and I was confused as anything. For the next several years, my faith began to grow and become more based on genuine love for God, but there was certainly still a need to impress others with it. I would embrace a particular form of Christianity because, in my mind, doing so made me more acceptable to my friends, or possibly more likeable to whatever guy I was into at the time.
Once I settled down in Victoria, I found myself in a spiritual patchwork quilt- many different friends who got along, yet whose experiences of God, theological ideas, and ways of connecting with Him were totally diverse. Of course this was good for me as it forced me to figure out how Mary follows Jesus (as opposed to the next person), but nonetheless I experienced years of frustration, feelings of distance from God, and questioning.
I think I probably still care too much about what others think of my friendship with Jesus. But perhaps I am learning to care more about what Jesus thinks of my friendship with Jesus, lol. I certainly feel like I am getting the hang of understanding who He is, what kind of man walked the earth 2000 years ago. And in the process I am “falling in love” all over again. When I find myself wanting to read the Bible or tell people what I am learning, it is no longer motivated by pressure, by a feeling of “that’s what a good Christian is supposed to do”; instead it’s motivated (I think) by genuine enthusiasm about who Jesus is. And it is NICE to feel at least somewhat freed from those obligations.
So why do you follow Jesus? Is the way that walk based on true understanding of him, or are you doing the things you do because that’s how other Christians are doing them, because doing so will earn you brownie points in the Christian culture? It’s a question worth asking.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Dear teenage self...
I had a crazy "epiphany moment" today- a milestone that for many would seem insignificant, but for me is huge.
As anyone who knows me knows, I have struggled greatly with unnecessary feelings of guilt and condemnation, particularly in the last 8 years or so. One of the biggest accusations that has come at my mind again and again is, "if the teenage version of you could see what you've become, she'd think you were a huge backslider."
And there's certainly some truth to that. After all, in my teen years I was into a rather legalistic form of Christianity, whose version of holiness was avoiding everything "worldly" and spending all my time doing church activities. And now? I watch movies. I listen to mainstream music. Sometimes I use words that would get bleeped out on the radio. I drink alcohol in moderation. I wear spaghetti-strap tank tops and two-piece swimsuits. There are certainly still things I keep away from, but at this point in my life, I tend to base the idea of holiness on attitudes and motivations- I am more concerned if I am being selfish or unkind or arrogant than if I say a four letter word or watch a "questionable" movie. But despite the fact that I believe my actions are justifiable, I have struggled with a fair bit of inappropriate guilt over them, mainly because I am not the person that I thought I would be when I was younger.
So today I stumbled across an old journal that I wrote in back at the end of 2003, which was when all these feelings of guilt started up. I read through the confusion of coming back from discipleship school and hearing different friends go on at me about their pet issues, being confused by their conflicting opinions, and about the immense shame I felt in those days over a few choices that, while unwise, were probably not blatantly sinful. It was a very rough time for me, and I was VERY hard on myself in those days- much more so than I am now. Given my past expereinces and the company I kept, my mindset was understandable, but... still...
And as I read those entries, that familiar thought came back to me: You are not what your younger self wanted you to be. If your teenage self could see you now, she would think you were such a backslider.
And for the first time in my life, I was able to look that thought "in the eye" and say this: You know what? You're right, she would. But maybe my teenage self didn't know what she was talking about.
Yes, my morals in the "grey areas" may not be as stringent as they were in my younger years. But I have certainly grown. My current self is much better at trusting God than my teenage self was. My current self better understands Jesus, knows his heart better than my teenage self did, and probably loves him more, too. And I hope that my current self is more caring, more compassionate, and less selfish than my teenage self. I'm not sure, but I can hope...
So, teenage Mary, thank you for your input, for all your years of condemning words. You have been heard. But guess what? You are wrong. I am not a backslider. I am growing in God, and even though I did not end up where you thought I would, God is bringing good out of my life. I may not have changed the world, but I have made an impact in small ways. I may not keep to your strict moral code of holiness, but I try to listen to God and live my life according to what he tells me. Yes, I have sunk to some lows that you would not have anticipated, but God will bring good from everything that has happened to me. I am not backsliding, I am moving forward. The walk is painful at times, joyful at others. Sometimes I trip, I fall; other times I crawl forward, other times I dance. It is a journey. But I am moving forward with Jesus. And Jesus accepts- and treasures- me right where I am at. Where I am right now is beatiful because I am in the process of becoming more like Jesus.
Oh, and teenage Mary, I forgive you for thinking such judgmental thoughts about me. I can't blame you. You're still young, and you have yet to understand the complexity of following Jesus in this beautiful and broken world. One day, you'll understand...
You are forgiven. But nonetheless, you are wrong about me.
That is all.
As anyone who knows me knows, I have struggled greatly with unnecessary feelings of guilt and condemnation, particularly in the last 8 years or so. One of the biggest accusations that has come at my mind again and again is, "if the teenage version of you could see what you've become, she'd think you were a huge backslider."
And there's certainly some truth to that. After all, in my teen years I was into a rather legalistic form of Christianity, whose version of holiness was avoiding everything "worldly" and spending all my time doing church activities. And now? I watch movies. I listen to mainstream music. Sometimes I use words that would get bleeped out on the radio. I drink alcohol in moderation. I wear spaghetti-strap tank tops and two-piece swimsuits. There are certainly still things I keep away from, but at this point in my life, I tend to base the idea of holiness on attitudes and motivations- I am more concerned if I am being selfish or unkind or arrogant than if I say a four letter word or watch a "questionable" movie. But despite the fact that I believe my actions are justifiable, I have struggled with a fair bit of inappropriate guilt over them, mainly because I am not the person that I thought I would be when I was younger.
So today I stumbled across an old journal that I wrote in back at the end of 2003, which was when all these feelings of guilt started up. I read through the confusion of coming back from discipleship school and hearing different friends go on at me about their pet issues, being confused by their conflicting opinions, and about the immense shame I felt in those days over a few choices that, while unwise, were probably not blatantly sinful. It was a very rough time for me, and I was VERY hard on myself in those days- much more so than I am now. Given my past expereinces and the company I kept, my mindset was understandable, but... still...
And as I read those entries, that familiar thought came back to me: You are not what your younger self wanted you to be. If your teenage self could see you now, she would think you were such a backslider.
And for the first time in my life, I was able to look that thought "in the eye" and say this: You know what? You're right, she would. But maybe my teenage self didn't know what she was talking about.
Yes, my morals in the "grey areas" may not be as stringent as they were in my younger years. But I have certainly grown. My current self is much better at trusting God than my teenage self was. My current self better understands Jesus, knows his heart better than my teenage self did, and probably loves him more, too. And I hope that my current self is more caring, more compassionate, and less selfish than my teenage self. I'm not sure, but I can hope...
So, teenage Mary, thank you for your input, for all your years of condemning words. You have been heard. But guess what? You are wrong. I am not a backslider. I am growing in God, and even though I did not end up where you thought I would, God is bringing good out of my life. I may not have changed the world, but I have made an impact in small ways. I may not keep to your strict moral code of holiness, but I try to listen to God and live my life according to what he tells me. Yes, I have sunk to some lows that you would not have anticipated, but God will bring good from everything that has happened to me. I am not backsliding, I am moving forward. The walk is painful at times, joyful at others. Sometimes I trip, I fall; other times I crawl forward, other times I dance. It is a journey. But I am moving forward with Jesus. And Jesus accepts- and treasures- me right where I am at. Where I am right now is beatiful because I am in the process of becoming more like Jesus.
Oh, and teenage Mary, I forgive you for thinking such judgmental thoughts about me. I can't blame you. You're still young, and you have yet to understand the complexity of following Jesus in this beautiful and broken world. One day, you'll understand...
You are forgiven. But nonetheless, you are wrong about me.
That is all.
Just a thought...
When Jesus walked the earth, the people whom he clashed with the most were the religious leaders of his day, because they'd taken God's law (which was meant to allow us to come close to him) and turned it into a dogmatic, legalistic religious system. They were known for making mountains out of molehills, looking down on people, and insisting on outward piety while ignoring heart issues.
Then Jesus left, and his followers, over time, took his teachings and turned them into a dogmatic, legalistic religious system. Today, many people look at the church as a group of people who make mountains out of molehills, look down on people, and insist on outward piety while ignoring heart issues. Of course this is not true of every Christian out there, but nonetheless, this is the reputation that the church has in the world today.
Will we ever learn?
Then Jesus left, and his followers, over time, took his teachings and turned them into a dogmatic, legalistic religious system. Today, many people look at the church as a group of people who make mountains out of molehills, look down on people, and insist on outward piety while ignoring heart issues. Of course this is not true of every Christian out there, but nonetheless, this is the reputation that the church has in the world today.
Will we ever learn?
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